A Portrait Of War

Loneliest Day

2011-08-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

Its such a lonely day...and its mine.... The most loneliest day of my life. I feel like every decision I make should be positive and therefore in able to accept those that are in my plan yet fall away from positive actions. Hence, drugs. What is so great about them that makes them a primary choice of being with the person you say you love the most. I dont understand how it is so difficult. Perhaps because I am not a drug addict and do not find any pleasure in illegal activity of any sort. I guess I'm too much of a rule follower to make someone want to be with me more than drugs. If they are so great then marry them, dont keep my hopes towards the light when its always dark.

I guess when you have such deep love in your heart for someone and you see them hurting themselves and others around them, including you, you feel like you should intervene. I just wish what I had to say would help. I try my best to support and help, but if someone would rather do that what should I do? I feel like I am just wasting everyone's time in trying..

Because of my loud mouth, I expressed how much I care about someone and they find it very unimportant. Therefore I am sitting here at my house alone. I doubt my life is going to change much.

2011-08-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

i am always in the wrong. i cant ever help someone enough to make them treat me how i deserve. apparently love and using go along the same categories...

2011-07-30T19:31:00.001-07:00

I think I am failing to bring happiness to anyones life. I wont last much longer like this.

2011-07-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been feeling as if I cant make anyone happy. I never have been able to, and even now when I try to better someones life and help them make the right decisions they blow it right back into my face. Is it wrong of me to try to help someone else? I just want others to have an enriched life. Mine, on the other hand, I dont think it will ever be. I struggle everyday to feel good about myself. Nothing helps, changes. No one goes out of their way to make me happy, no one tries to make me happy. Meanwhile I am struggling to do everything I can to make the people around me as happy as they can be. I am constantly walked all over and trampled upon because other people see me as a target. Maybe thats all I was put upon life for. To be a target. To enrich others lives and destroy my own. I find no happiness lies within me after these last few days. I dread waking up, I dread going to sleep. I dread knowing it will be a new day. Because with every new day comes a great amount of anger that is thrown upon me. Everyone around me is enjoying where they are and what they are doing, I am struggling to stay happy. I was happy at one time, and because of that happiness I thought maybe I was past depression. I think it was just bundled up inside me because I couldnt cope with how much I hated myself.

Falling to hell.

2011-07-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

Tell me that I wont be here dying.
Falling into the dark,
where I am hidden.

No point

2011-07-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

Miles of darkness surround the sorrow that lies within the heart of love.
Finding the heart of love insists you choke on sorrow to move on.
There are moments of silence in which darkness may pull down the heart.
Love grasp the beats before complete chaos grabs and destroys.

2011-07-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm singing in happiness.

Tornadoes

2011-05-01T18:02:00.001-07:00

Destroyed my state.

4 minutes of destroyed dreams

2010-12-22T20:28:00.000-08:00

the dreams of a burnt soul
haunt the mind with such torn thoughts
and creative imagination.

pictures of a mangled corpse
figure in the brain with great angst
and emotional starvation.

corruption grabs the binding of imagery
leaving nothing of worth existing within.

find me and fix me
before hate destroys this entity.

Writers Block

2010-10-21T10:14:00.001-07:00

I am in it again. Not the best of things to be in..

Update on life

2010-09-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

I suck.

Just kidding.
I'm so busy with school and work, I dont have much time for anything else.
Thats my life.
The End.

College. Part 1.

2010-08-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

Oh what a dreaded day today was. Yet, I conquered and defeated the dreaded day with such a great victory I figured Id sit around and watch all the people pass by as I sit here pondering if anything could have changed, gone better or worse. I am still alone, by myself. But I have time to gain friends and trust and love, ect ect. mushy mushy. But all together the day is done. Year one. Day one. Done.

Reversed Illusion

2010-08-17T20:09:00.001-07:00

Look into the mirror

and who do you see?

It’s not a reflection

of you nor of me.

Hidden people on the other side

are staring into a portrait,

while you are staring at a war

and neither side willing to forfeit.

Each desperate to figure out

what is causing this confusion,

behind this dreadful wall of gloom

mounted with a mirror of illusion.

Hidden people on the other side

dont know that you can see them.

Lost

2010-07-08T18:53:00.001-07:00

When you lose yourself

you lose touch.

When you lose your mind

you lose thought.

When you lose God

you lose faith.

When you lose a feeling

you lose sense.

When you lose your only love

you lose everything.

The Journey

2010-07-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

Ive begun my adventure. I live in an apartment now, and I am also getting ready to attend college. College... Its a big change from a crappy high school. But it's a well needed change.

Wish me luck.

I deserve what I got.

2010-06-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

Months of inactivity, earns months of no one looking.

Today I finished high school

2010-05-20T21:49:00.001-07:00

Now I must find my own road.

Where I may call home.

Not particularly any time soon.

But something realistic and casual.

Where I can still watch little creatures run by.

How many days can you last?

2010-05-04T17:12:00.001-07:00

Of being treated like shit?

I’m going on 6.. lets see how much more before I lose it.

Updating Itunes is not that EASY.

2010-04-27T17:53:00.001-07:00

Especially when a new computer is involved. All I want to do is put my old itunes on my new computer. But doing that involves deleting all the songs off my ipod. They should really fix this problem. Its a great hassle. Ive been working since 5 o clock updating, not even nearly 1/5 done, and its 8 o clock now… ITUNES fix this problem for computer users.

Well in the last 5 months...

2010-04-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

YOU HAVENT MISSED MUCH!

I guess my update is long overdue. I should have been on here along time ago. However, I was not. And because I was not, I have updates.

Steven and I are still together. We just celebrated our 6th month annversary.
I graduate i about 3 weeks, then head off to figure out my life.
I went to prom on the 24th, and I should have pictures as soon as they are editted.

Other then that, not much new news.
Except typing feels weird, I've never had fake nails before.

OOHHH. And besides Baylee, my bernese mountian dog, my family just got a new dog, a coton de tudor, named Snoop. I hope he can handle a name change. Id rather call him Charlie.

ation.

2009-11-15T18:49:00.000-08:00

Cause a divine intervention
escaping the revelation
forming constant consellation
and falling precipitaion
angers the mutilation
of our emotional starvation
such an imagination;
causes a reputation
brought by falsification
and there was no realization
of this manifestation
filling your imagination
with perpetual deprivation.

Its about a struggle in a broken family. But can be taken many ways.
I'm sorry I havent posted lately. When I'm happy I dont post much.
But I felt like Ive deserted this site. Which saddens my soul.

Its a song now.

2009-08-15T08:04:00.001-07:00

My song is "The depths in your eyes"
Thanks to On Stormy Banks.

Check them out at myspace.com/onstormybanks.
ADD THEMMMMM. :)

Beyond the measure of holding it in.

2009-07-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

Emotions.
Simplistic emotions.
Simplistic minuscule emotions that can not be controlled.
The power in these simplistic minuscule emotions destroy.
Destroy.
Destroy- love, families, friendships, and faith.
Why let them destroy?
How can you not?
Simplistic emotions grow with time.
And without a way out, simplistic emotions become deadly.
Deadly emotions- kill.

No one will probably read this. Since I havent posted in such a long time.
But I am overwhelmed right now. And This is kinda whats been going on.

Spree;

2009-05-20T07:27:00.001-07:00

Transatlantic ocean spree;
fall away, away from me.
Far down deep, into the blue,
where tis impossible to find you.

Banished from here, sentenced to hell,
you're soul is destined to sail
among the fire, so deep below,
goodbye my love, I can't watch you go.

I wrote it in one minute.
it sucks, but it gets my point across.

Saw:

2009-05-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

The river pure, as if flowing from a broken glass.
Nothing but clear shards to break her, from her past.
She takes a look, into a deep hole in which she falls.
Help herself, if she can, for whom can she call?
Abandoned, darkness is her only surrounding,
She is destined to be here, her hands are pounding
until finally blood streaks down, against the stone
she realizes she is so alone, destined to the fate she's forever known.

Silence keeps straining the ears she owns,
She makes a final attempt against the stone.
For whom can she call, but on her own being,
The purities running so swiftly, fleeing.
Destiny? Who shall die in a dark empty surrounding?
That she managed to release your soul, astounding.
The stone shatters, suddenly water crashes to the floor.
And she realizes she had just fought a war.

To live or to die? Why form such a question?
Living through a life straining situation.
Depression, seeps through her emptiness,
Minutes pass by, causing such distress,
as lifeless emotions attack her sanity,
She is doomed to living with all humanity.

Supra Sinister

2009-05-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

The smell of death roasted the cadaver.
Deception clouds the space, rather,
than clouding your mind, the deception
takes whole of your soul, a conception
is made amist your insides
and you slowly sink down, lies
are torn apart, the truth is ripped
never will a new thought be slipped
into thy mind, for if one could ever find
a recognition of peace, they could bind
it to their soul forever, seemingly told
that the demon inside you takes hold
of thyself for tearing apart a dream of
a man's hell, the desirable love
to destroy a heavenly place
beyond your idea of time, or space.

Song I wrote: Untitled

2009-05-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

Please forgive, for wastefullness
For I can be, more then this.
Without you, I am nothing,
I keep accelerating
down this path of emptyness,
Where nothing can access,
a part of me, where I collide.
Theres so many things to hide.

Please forgive, for wastefullness
Oh, I can be, more then this...
Without you I am tossed away..
Without you I am lost.
Take me in your arms Lord!
From me, You will be so greatly adored.

Take me in your arms Lord!
Take me in your arms,
Where faithlessness, and wastefullness are gone.
You and I together, never torn apart,
I'm drawn to You, Lord.
I'm drawn to you, Lord.
I'm drawn to you, Lord.

The Grey Shadows That Haunt Me;

2009-01-12T16:52:00.000-08:00

Silence builds an awful wreckage of a guy;
It feeds on loneliness and creates a void.
Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture,
A teenager is stricken and destroyed.

Emptiness builds a home in this person;
In this guy, this child where hollows have bred.
A deepening sea of nowhereness consumes,
And eats away at every connecting thread.

Confusion feeds like a savage inside him,
Leaving nothing considered worthy remains.
Destined to walk through life less ordinary,
Alone, exiled, different and disdained.

your hell;

2009-01-11T17:47:00.000-08:00

Glancing upon your eyes, I viewed hell in a different light.
What you underwent frequently, to me a new sight.
How greatly you were hurt; torment flowed intensly through your veins.
Everyday you skin lacerated; my eyes could never interpret your pains.
To be solitary, you heart damaged; shredded, ripped, your eyes swell as tears stream to the ground.

new again. ;]

2009-01-11T16:07:00.000-08:00

New hair.
Rachel redid it because summer screwed it up. ;]

EDITORS CHOICE AWARDDDDD:]

2009-01-06T13:38:00.000-08:00

The email sent to me:

"Dear Kayla,

The votes are in, and we are proud to congratulate you for your outstanding literary achievement. The editors of The International Library of Poetry were thrilled to inform you that your poem was honored with the prestigious Editor's Choice Award because of your artistic accomplishments and unique perspective--characteristics found in the most noteworthy poetic works. To further commemorate this prestigious achievement, we have elected you to receive the 2008 Editor's Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin.

This stunning pin proudly displays your elevated status in our poetic community. Since only an elite group of published poets were selected to receive this special honor, imagine the sense of pride you will feel when others see you wearing the 2008 Editor's Choice Published Poet Award Pin. What an impressive way to show off your status as an honored poet for the year 2008!
Kayla, we were delighted to award you the high honors of a published poet, and we hope that you will choose to receive the 2008 Editor's Choice Commemorative Bronze Medallion and the 2008 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin. We truly believe these masterpieces honor the artistic accomplishments you have displayed in your poetry.

Please accept my best wishes to you and your family during the holiday season.

Sincerely,

Howard Ely
Managing Editor
The International Library of Poetry / Poetry.com"

Um? COULD I NOT BE HAPPIER!?

Dreaming Of Hell;

2009-01-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

The time is approaching,
the pills engulfed, encroaching.
I'd walk through hell for you,
Going anywhere, you I pursue.
When I find your soul, I'll take
it back to the world, oh a mistake.
why such destruction my dear?
are you numb, is it fear?
what you're doing, its severe.
cease this madness, but you persevere.
Terminate this, You're soul, cursed;
Falling back into the darkness, you thirst.
Blood will be yours, you scream,
as you fade off into the distance, i dream
i never brought you back, it was a fake.
at that moment, a scream, a shiver, i awake.

:]

2009-01-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

At my cousins, :]

Nuff said.

Brown. ;]

2008-12-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

Its going to get the blonde chunks put in on.... the 7th. :D

This is where I'm at so far.
my mommy did it!

:]

Thank you mother..

straw paintings. ;]

2008-12-27T20:13:00.000-08:00

<

My straw tree:

Finished:

Absract horses:

Drawing:

Me on Christmas:

I'm hoping to dye my hair darker brown, and have chunks of blonde in it. :]

Merry Merry Ho Ho.

2008-12-25T10:05:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas, I havent been writing poems alot lately, mainly because I havent gotten any comments.

Have a good year?

Shot Down:

2008-12-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

Unending, unexplainable pain, seeps through your torn skin,
you try to take a breath, but blood is all you breathe from within.
to your knees, collapsed, you and I sit, cry, and embrace,
as your time quickly fades,you tell me you love me, and you are erased.

Corrupted.

2008-12-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

The world around me stops it's breath,
finally, we are towards our death,
Lord, help the corrupted souls,
We must show them, you're in control.

For, they are nothing without you.
It is you, in-which they must pursue.

Pray for them. So they may live joyfully until death.

Stars:

2008-12-12T13:38:00.000-08:00

The stars glistened over mine heart;
The pain I feel, I miss you, for being apart
Holds back the life, the Lord hath blessed to me,
for it is you, my dear, He wished me to see.
I love you, For all you have done.
I can almost assure that you are the one.

Faded Existence.

2008-12-11T13:22:00.000-08:00

Relieve this pain I feel; It won't die
I wish to fall down; I cant help but cry.
My world collapsing all around me;
Full of darkness, I can't see.
Lord, I have fallen down; I've fell
No one can hear me, inside of this well.
Where my existence has faded
this life has left me jaded.

My Sinister Sea:

2008-12-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

I've fallen down, the place around me
It's frigid, sinister, and damp.
The darkness is my handicap, I am blinded, unable to see.
This place, so small, it contains me, I'm cramp'd.
Pull me up out of the darkness, if you can,
Before he takes over my soul; for this evil will overcome me.
My overtaking has arrived, to the darkness, it has began.
He picks up my body, and I am thrown into a sea.
In this sea of regret and shame, darkness kills all the light,
I am fighting to come back above, where I can respire,
But he pulls me under, back into the night.
I am drawn into the darkness where I will expire.

In the heavens:

2008-12-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

I floated up there, knowing we would be seperated, everything erased.

When I reached the heavens, I looked through the mist, and I saw your face.

Our eyes glanced toward one another, and we ran as fast as we could.

We held each other, and never let go, we were in heaven, and there we stood.

I looked into your eyes, and saw your soul, we held hands as we looked below,

Down at the ones we cared so deeply about, together watched the ones that grieved, and from our delicate faces the tears flowed.

The depth in your eyes:

2008-12-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

Minutes pass by, you wont leave my mind.
You, honestly, were what I was trying to find.
Stay with me darling, hold on to me.
For I am with you, and forever I will be.
We may soar the clouds, fly through the skies,
But my love, when i connected to your eyes;
I realized love's true meaning,
nothing my dear, will cause an intervening.

You are with me, I with you.
You are the only one who will help me through,
Take my hand, and we will ascend toward the heavens.

Her Anguish, His Goodbye;

2008-12-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

Her anguish:
Intense depression overcame her heart,
the anguish began when they broke apart.
She drove in anger, counting trees
At first, he pleaded, please, please.
In her mind, nothing could change her fate.
She didnt feel as if anyone could relate,
the pain so immense, so incredibly intense
she ignored him, meaning to create suspense.
Constantly the under depression, attack attack.
Goodbye she called, I wont be back.
I cant handle this anymore,
things are different than before
my heart is gone, replaced with dark.
It's my time, to the end of my journey i must embark

His Goodbye:
Stop, You will be okay,
Please, please, this anger you portray,
I know its painful, but hear my word,
I pray for you, dont think like this, so absured.
You can get through the sea of depression you feel;
Dont go to heaven now, you have time, you can heal.
He shut the phone, and began to cry;
not knowing if the time had come to say goodbye.
I can take away your pain, just hold on to me.
I can help you, make you free.
Dont let go, he explained, without you I will die.
She couldnt handle the pain anymore, goodbye.

Drawing Releases:

2008-12-07T08:45:00.000-08:00

His pen delicately landed upon the paper:
His anti-drug the marks he made,
so painfully written; they never fade.
through the ink, his words so clear,
enduring pain, his heart did fear;
however, through ink, his agony released
his heart, my dear, is now at peace.

White Flakes Fall on Angel Wings

2008-12-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

Amoungst the meadow, something is heard.
What is it? It must be a bird.
Snow fell so softly upon his small wings,
so, He lands on a fence, and quietly sings.

inspired by a song.

2008-12-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

To be alone with you,
Your heart, it had no clue.
How in love I was with you.
To be together, would be taboo.
Forget me not,
For I am caught
in between, right and wrong
but i know, where my heart belongs.

Creative wonders.

2008-12-03T14:48:00.000-08:00

Me at Kait's Party, Shes behind me doing makeup. :D
I was talking in the picture. Lol.

A response to a friend who helps me so dearly:
Your words, they are so kind.
I'm touched. I wish I could rewind
the past, and take it away,
but in my heart they want to stay.

I keep on hiding this pain I feel
But in my heart, it is so real.
God will hold me, this is true.
But for right now, I only have you.

You are my angel sweet child oh mine.
Be with me until the end of time.

I thought of this because of one of regina spektor's songs:
I am a prisoner,
confined behind metal bars,
from which i may stare at the stars.
shaven toothbrushes make for a razor
to which i may release my anguish,
in this prison, i may languish.

Makeover

2008-12-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to get into the style I find that shows who i am.
I bought two skinny jeans from Forever21, one grey, one black.
Two band shirts from Hot Topic, Underoath, and The Used.
a new red and black plaid faux fur collared bomber, aero.
3 pairs of knee socks! :]
and some earrings.

Okay. So the above is my transformation.

anyway. I am going to seriously talk with my parents about me moving in with my sister, jessica. Therefore I can gain residency in Missouri, and get in state tution prices for Northwestern Missouri.
My sister and I both agree that it is an amazing idea, we could bond, i could grow up, get a job at hot topic less then 4 miles from her house. and enjoy my senior year.

I hope it works out. I really do.

and as promised i will always give a poem I have written. i wrote about 20 today. so I have a lot of material to choose from.

To a loved one:
My heart, My soul,
They long for you.
You will make me whole.
But this you never knew.
Take my words to heart.
You complete me;
I never wish to part,
because of you, i'm finally free.

My Christmas Hint.

2008-11-28T18:44:00.000-08:00

There is not much I want for Christmas, only a few things have caught my attention.

Maybe a 2001 Toyota Celica. ;]
or
Money for a 2001 Toyota Celica. :]
or
A lot of random money, that amounts to about 8k, so I can use it on whatever my heart desires... (toyota celica)
or
Admission into East Limestone. That would be nice.
Maybe a trip to the beach?
A camera lens for mom, so I can have her old one. ;]
Money for clothes? or a 2001 Toyota Celica.

Maybe "accidently" crash my car, so you will have to get me a new one.. or a used 2001 Toyota Celica... :]

So many options.

Thanksgiving.

2008-11-27T08:21:00.000-08:00

Towards the turkey the
Hunters will chase,
Attack, Attack!
No more turkey, but a feast.
Killed, the dinner
Smells like a
Gory massacre of
Indigenous turkey, Later
Various arrays of turkey parts are
Inter-spread amongst
Neighbors
Garbage cans.

I wrote this for Mrs. Meek, the assignment was to write a "poem" that spelled THANKSGIVING vertically. Naturally, I had a gory poem. I always do.

I wrote this in the car on the way to my sisters house. I WAS NOT DRIVING AT THE TIME. :]

Sycamore:

The red sycamore leaf has breathed its last breath;
Now begins its eternal death.
The stem disconnects from the root of its existence
the journey down is such a great distance.
Floating down the red leaf's future was rather bleak,
t journeyed onto a quiet creek.
Water pounded the leaf to the floor,
the life poured out, to much yore.
Drown'd,
The red leaf was never found.

This is the first poem from the book I am creating.

First Kiss:

Impatience reeks through our skin,
Our emotions flowed from within.
The moment our lips connected;
More magic happened then expected.

Then, we walked out unto the night
with his arm around me tight,
The moon stared at us as we lingered by,
The moon might have been the midnight spy.

Casually, We go our separate ways,
But each of us were in a daze.
Unable to phase the moment we just shared,
We grabbed each other, and into the others eyes we just stared.

Titanic: My view.

2008-11-25T18:33:00.000-08:00

It was our fate,
we had to wait,
the future was unclear,
was the boat to sink, we fear.
Chills creapt up my spine,
I knew it was now our time.
If we were to live,
There was so much we had to give,
Strength, Power, Will
We were prepared until
The boat split into
By then, we knew.
Hold on, Dont let go,
View this as your foe.
Breathe all you can,
To swim swift is our plan.
The water so cold,
To a door, I must hold.
My lover and me,
all alone in the sea.

The boats came too late,
for it was chosen, his fate.
The sea had claimed his soul,
but our hearts remain a whole.

Your Beautiful, Her Lover

2008-11-25T15:11:00.001-08:00

The poems are based on true heartache.
I asked Alex to describe me in one word..
He replied: "beautiful."
I told him I was going to work a poem around that, in a matter of 10 minutes I created "Your beautiful".
The next day, I wrote a poem from what I understand he is feeling. "Her Lover" is based on his emotions, and things that have happened.

I think I will continue sets of these as time goes on. They go in pairs.
It will take another big step in our friendship for any new poems to come to mind.

Anyway. This is what I got from the word "Beautiful"

Your Beautiful:

She stood at the edge of the stair,
You were completely unaware,
Your beautiful was dying inside.
Her heart and yours divide.

Don't cry dear,
Her heart contains fear.
Fear that you will forget,
The past that you regret.

She leapt from the stair,
In a complete state of despair.
Beautiful knew her love was gone;
Now she is entirely withdrawn.

Her Lover:

Her lover fought a war in his mind,
For the answer his heart was trying to find.
To be with her or not,
Was the answer he had sought.

His heart and mind could not agree,
On whether to be, or not to be.
She wanted to hold on to him tight,
But he didn't feel everything was right.

His decision was finally made,
At that moment, her heart began to fade.
She wished she could run away,
But for a chance, she had to stay.

Suicide.

2008-11-24T17:02:00.000-08:00

The people that have read this poem basically have said IT IS THE BEST THING IVE EVER WRITTEN. (They obviously dont read much of what I write), But I've only gotten positive feedback. ;]

My life seems to be a long bliss,
but has been judged completely amiss.
Don't blame yourself for my mistakes;
I know this will cause some heartache.

Listen to what I must say:
My life was long and grey,
You did nothing wrong
I am just going to the place I belong.

You watched me grow,
But there was so much you did not know.
You tried so hard to understand me;
But I just wanted to break free.

You hugged me tight,
Told me everything would be alright.
You never knew
All I was going through

The pain was immense
Extremely hard to condense
The time could not be more apropos,
Who I have been has been a foe.

You were right,
I did not recognize this at first sight.
Pills can not change a person,
In some cases, effects may worsen.

Depression has brought me down,
And now I am bound,
To this thoughtless imagination;
I am blinded with a lack of elation.

But in all reality,
I must leave you with my fatality.

The Weapon of Choice: Knife

2008-11-23T08:17:00.000-08:00

Drip, drip, drip
Blood falls to the floor
Her body looks like war
The weapon of choice?
A knife.

Knock, knock, knock
Mystery man is at the door
He breaks the lock
Her body drops to the floor
She screams in pain
Her blood begins to drain
She begins to cry
Because, she knows she won’t have time to say goodbye

Drip, drip, drip
Blood falls to the floor
Her body looks like war
The weapon of choice?
A knife.
A bloody knife

You cant leave premature

2008-11-22T09:16:00.000-08:00

Blink.

Take me away from this place
I wish to see your face
Anywhere from here,
Hunger, war, murder, poverty
The end draws near.

I want to be with you,
Where life is pure
Where happiness, love and peace endure
Our lives are over in the blink of an eye,
But we may not leave premature.

Everyone should have at least one...

2008-11-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

REALLY RANDOM POST.

I just had a hotdog, it was basically amazing, thank you Mimi for giving it to Mom to give to me.

I have ton to say, but so few words could actually say it.

I wrote several poems today, I can only put one of the ones I wrote today on here, because the others are really emotional.

Take Me With You:

November fall,
the winds of winter begin to call,
leaves are around me,
they are all I can see.

I look up toward where God should be.
He whispers into my ear,
I feel like He is so, so near.
He tells me to hold on tight,
everything will be alright.

November fall,
the winds of winter begin to call,
leaves are around me,
and they are all I can see.

God puts His hand around my waist;
He picks me up, and takes me to His special place.
My body is left behind,
for a person to find.
I live with God in heaven now,
you may wonder, how?

God picked me up.

I wrote this one monday night, I was kinda sad...

Another chance?:

Take away my pain,
Help me fix the problems I have made,
They put me to shame
Maybe one day they will fade
Away

Fix my broken heart
Give me a brand new start
I want to be with you
I had chances, but only a few.

I don't know where I went wrong
I should have told you all along
that I love you.
Do you love me too?

This is a REALLY SHORT one, most definitely not finished...

Witnessing:
Will you take my words to heart?
I want to help you.
To give you a fresh start.

Texas Tech: College Of My Dreams?

2008-11-18T13:42:00.000-08:00

I've been eagerly looking at colleges. I really would like to go to Watkins, but my parents just won't let me, because " I can be a professional photographer, and not go to college for it..."

Anyway, I have been looking around, and Texas Tech caught my eye. They have a zoology program, ROTC, considering I will be coming from out of state the total cost with room and board is $26,000.
But If I get an ROTC scholarship, the price doesn't exist. And any loans I do have to take out, I can pay back with money for service.

The campus is pretty large, over 1000 acre campus in Lubbock, Texas. The ACT average is a 23, which is in the middle. Whatever the TOFEL is... it's required. Roughly 67% of students that apply get admitted, because I'm a good student, I expect to get in.
They have a photography club, WHICH MAKES ME HAPPY. :D

Although I love Auburn, being on campus was not that great...
I would love to go to Watkins, but I can't major in photography, I can MINOR!

Texas Tech seems like a good choice. The only problem is the distance away from home, I don't think my parents could handle it!

The only downer I've seen so far to majoring in zoology is the amount of chemistry classes I have to take.
Like three different ones. I am going to die!

I'm still pondering my options. I might opt to take out a buttload of student loans and pay myself through Watkins.

White Tiger Fraud:

2008-11-11T16:48:00.000-08:00

When you think of a white tiger, do you think of this?

Did you know the only way to produce a white tiger is through severe inbreeding of brother to sister, father to daughter and mother to son?

Did you know that there is no such species as a Royal White Bengal Tiger?

If you didn't know that, don't feel bad, you were deceived just like millions of others. Read on to learn the truth about white tigers, white lions, tabby tigers and other genetic aberrations.

White Tigers can ONLY exist in captivity by continual inbreeding, such as father to daughter, brother to sister, mother to son and so forth. The white lions and golden tabby tigers are merely a product of this practice of inbreeding for white coats as well and are not being bred for any sort of conservation program either. ALL white tigers are cross eyed, whether it shows or not, because the gene that causes the white coat always causes the optic nerve to be wired to the wrong side of the brain.
The myth of the Rare White Bengal Tiger was an illusion meant to deceive the public into thinking that these cats were endangered and being preserved for future generations. The truth of the matter is that they aren’t even pure Bengal tigers, but rather are all the offspring of an original Siberian / Bengal cross breeding. The inbreeding results in many defects, early deaths, still births and, as could be expected, the cats are not very bright which is why they are preferred for entertainment purposes.

Consider this: Only 1 in 4 tiger cubs from a white tiger bred to an orange tiger carrying the white gene are born white, and 80% of those die from birth defects associated with the inbreeding necessary to cause a white coat. Of those surviving, most have such profound birth defects, such as immune deficiency, scoliosis of the spine (distorted spine), cleft palates, mental impairments and grotesquely crossed eyes that bulge from their skull that only a small percentage are suitable for display. Due to these birth defects the white tigers often die an early death. According to some tiger trainers, only 1 in 30 of those white cats will consistently perform. The number of tigers that have to be produced and disposed of in order to fill the public’s desire to see white tigers on display is staggering.

*I did not write this article, this is just informative*

To find out more visit: This Site:D

Russian Destruction

2008-11-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

This is a poem I wrote in class. My friend is drawing what she sees through the words, It originally ended with the line "And Christ has come again" but I took it out, due to popular demand..

Russian Destruction-

Look around, I'm lost, I'm found.
Bodies everywhere; they lay fallen on the ground
Crying children, an empty sound.
Broken windows; shards all around
Tears of blood flow from me.
they stream down delicate faces into a sea;
Please, don't leave me here alone.
Smoke, Fire, Flames
My heart it slows,
Life is lost,
Friends are gone.
Blood paints the streets,
water covers flames.
And children are left in tears.

I was a scene kid for halloween. Pretty wicked. ;]

I went to my friend Jessica's house and we partied all night long. :]
I actually went trick or treating too!
Haha.

Self Consciousness. :/

2008-11-07T18:35:00.001-08:00

Advice anyone?

I was really excited for cheerleading to start this year, in hopes of becoming the flyer. I was told previously I probably would do it. So in an attempt to secure my spot as a flyer, instead of my current position as a base, I started losing weight.

This is not the first time I've done this, and every time it is for a different reason. A part of it is that I can not seem to grasp the fact I'm not as young as I once was, and one day I have to weigh over 120.

*Runs to bathroom to weigh herself*

Right now, I weigh 115.4
I'm 5'5 3/4.

The first time I ever had an "anorexic burst" as I call it, was when I was 12 years old. I went to the beach with my best friend, she was skinnier than me, but also two years younger, and i wanted to be like her. So, I didn't eat for 3 days straight.
Since then I've had several "anorexic bursts", but not in an attempt to be like someone else. In attempt to make myself "happier". Which it never does.

I try so hard to be happy as who I am. I mean for heaven sake, I have braces now. I'm almost beautiful. I will be able to smile and feel good about not having crowding, uneven, or just plain weird looking teeth. I'm one of the few teenagers that begged their parents for braces.

I want to eat food, I really do. But my stomach can not seem to handle it.
The complete amount of food I've eaten today:
Cracker lunchable- dinner
applesauce- desert

I think we have a problem.
The loss of appetite is not just affecting me, my mom and my clothes are noticing the change.

I put on my favorite belt today, a black studded belt, its normally tight on the smallest notch. Today, the belt was so loose I could turn it around my hips and instead of holding my pants up. It was just weight.

Someone, anyone, please help me.

I do not want counseling, please do not suggest it.
Just a few changes I can make, that might help.

Please.
Kayla.

Angels Fly High.

2008-10-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

My grandma passed away today at 3pm.
I know she was ready to go, she would always say.. "Don't get old like me."
She missed her husband, and I know she's happy now. She can sit by him and watch over my dad.
He is going to have a really hard time dealing with his mother's death, they were extremely close.

I don't know how I am going to deal with it, I'm going to talk to God tonight.
God is the only being I believe can help someone get over an emotional moment like this.
I know my family won't be the same, grandma made some pretty hilarious comments, she brought a special feeling to the table.

Although her body and organs were getting old, her love and spirit never died.
She is where she has wanted to be for the past several years.

Elgin Bradford 1918-2008.

Watkins College Of Art. :]

2008-10-27T17:24:00.001-07:00

I would die to go to this college.
Look it up.
I want to apply by next year. I need 12 photos in my portfolio.
These I took with my phone, no way I could enter them... I dont think?

I thought I would give you some eye candy, while I come up with ideas for my college application. ;]

My Mouth Is Filled With Metal Bars.

2008-10-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, You heard me. It finally happened. My teeth are finally going to be straight. My self confidence/ my health is going to go up dramatically.
I'm excited for the progress. Just, they look weird, because my teeth arent straightening yet. They will in time, but i hope it's sooner rather then later. Because I look...stupid.

I've also got some great news!
My parents met Matthew the other day, they liked him... i think?
It's progress, so I'll take what I can get. Hah!

Edit:
I need to vent.
I'm getting sad all the time lately. I don't really know why. Some great things have happened to me over the past few weeks. Some bad things have happened too. I guess I'm realizing how near the end I am. Soon I'm going to be leaving the house and I have no clue what to do yet. I know what my soul mind and body would love to do. Photography. But I could actually get a salary if I get my Ph.D in Zoology. I really don't know. My parents are not keen on the idea of me going to photography school. I might have to end up paying for it myself if I go.

And my grandmother is slipping away. It's happened pretty off and on, now it's rapid. It upsets me, people might not think it does because I try not to act like it bothers me. But it does. She is in too much pain for her little body to handle. I know she is ready to see her husband again though. I'm sure she wants too, she talks about him sometimes. ;]

I'm stuck in a position that I dont really know what to do. I am scared, in the middle, and wanting it to be decided on and ended. Because it hurts me. I hate waiting on answers.
I need to pray. I have though, I prayed for grandma, she got sicker. I prayed about the situation, it got worse. I prayed about my future, now I'm more confused then ever.

Do you think God is getting back at me because I'm trying to come back from a downfall?
Can He do that?